Epitaphs and Epigrams

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Epitaph On A Henpecked Country Squire

As father Adam first was fool’d,
(A case that’s still too common,)
Here lies man a woman ruled,
The devil ruled the woman.
 
 
 Epigram On The Said Occasion

O Death, had’st thou but spar’d his life,
Whom we this day lament,
We freely wad exchanged the wife,
And a’ been weel content.

Ev’n as he is, cauld in his graff,
The swap we yet will do’t;
Tak thou the carlin’s carcase aff,
Thou’se get the saul o’boot.

 

Another

One Queen Artemisia, as old stories tell,
When deprived of her husband she loved so well,
In respect for the love and affection he show’d her,
She reduc’d him to dust and she drank up the powder.

But Queen Netherplace, of a diff’rent complexion,
When called on to order the fun’ral direction,
Would have eat her dead lord, on a slender pretence,
Not to show her respect, but-to save the expense!
 
 
 
Epitaph On a Cebrated Ruling Elder
Here Souter Hood in death does sleep;
To hell if he’s gane thither,
Satan, gie him thy gear to keep;
He’ll haud it weel thegither.
 
 
Epitaph On A Noisy Polemic

Below thir stanes lie Jamie’s banes;
O Death, it’s my opinion,
Thou ne’er took such a bleth’rin bitch
Into thy dark dominion!
 

Epitaph On “Wee Johnie”

Whoe’er thou art, O reader, know
That Death has murder’d Johnie;
An’ here his body lies fu’ low;
For saul he ne’er had ony.
 
 
Epitaph for the Author’s Father
[ Later referred to as “Epitaph On My Ever Honoured Father” ]
O ye whose cheek the tear of pity stains,
Draw near with pious rev’rence, and attend!
Here lie the loving husband’s dear remains,
The tender father, and the gen’rous friend;
The pitying heart that felt for human woe,
The dauntless heart that fear’d no human pride;
The friend of man-to vice alone a foe;
For “ev’n his failings lean’d to virtue’s side.”
 
 
Epitaph For Robert Aiken, Esq.

Know thou, O stranger to the fame
Of this much lov’d, much honoured name!
(For none that knew him need be told)
A warmer heart death ne’er made cold.
 

Epitaph For Gavin Hamilton, Esq.

The poor man weeps-here Gavin sleeps,
Whom canting wretches blam’d;
But with such as he, where’er he be,
May I be sav’d or damn’d!